Poker funnies, jokes, moments and pictures

Last post made 7 years ago by AlyLauren
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  • someone called me a donk at the poker table I replied "Least I don't ten two play the doyle brunson" :)  LOL

  • A great pun bigdk! 

  • these are hysterical and some is good advice enjoy poker fans



    What is the difference between Phil Hellmuth and a dog?

    The dog will eventually stop whining.


    Q: What are a Man's three favorite games?

    A. Checker, Chess, and Poker. (If you didn't get it say it quickly to yourself)


    Money isn't everything … unless you're playing in a rebuy tournament.

    - Anonymous


    Poker is like sex... if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.


    Poker is a lot like sex, everone thinks they are the best, but most don't have a clue what they are doing.

    - Dutch Boyd



    Q: What is the biggest difference between a church and a poker room?

    A: In a poker room, you really mean it when you pray!!


    What are vampires playing poker for? High stakes.


    What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck


    Even Your Poker Face Is Ugly


    If you're a guy, you know you play too much Poker if your dreams involve nuts instead of breasts.

    - Unknown Player


    Poker has the only river in the world you can drown in more than once.


    I am folding faster than superman on washing day.


    What is the difference between a Phil Hellmuth and God?

    God doesn’t think He’s a Phil Hellmuth.


    What's the difference between a pizza and a poker player? One can feed a family of three.


    Q: How can you get a professional poker player off your balcony?

    A: Just pay him for the Pizza!


    Q: How can you tell when a professional poker player is lying?

    A: His chips are moving


    Q: Did you hear about the Los Angeles local poker hand?

    A: Its Four Clubs beat a King


    Why is “a man” like a deck of cards? Because you need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his head in, and a spade to bury the bastard.


    There are TWO basic rules for winning in poker:

    1. never tell anyone anything


    What is Bill Clinton's favorite game? Poke-her.


    What do you call a poker player without a girlfriend? Homeless.


    What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table?

    Answer: I thought you were a cheetah.


    Why didn’t the elephant like to play poker in the jungle?

    Because there are too many cheetahs.


    I couldn't hit a river if I fell out of the boat.


    AK: Anna Kournikova. Looks great. Never wins.


    AK: Anna Kournikovz. Looks great but doesn't win much.


    My chip stack is up and down more than a hooker's panties.


    Do you have blisters on your a**? Because that is one hot seat your in.


    I hope you don't make love the way you play tournaments... all in and done in under a minute.


    I've had more flushes sucked out of me than a public toilet.


    There's more fish in here than Seaworld.


    He folded like a K-Mart lawnchair.


    I wouldn't wipe my a** with those cards if I was out of toilet paper.


    Making that call qualifies you for the Special Olympics.


    That isn't a hand, it's a height.


    There's a reason you lie in poker... you can't always be the best player at the table.


    Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”


    In a book store:

    “I am looking for the book named 'How to win easily and fast with poker.'

    Clerk says: “Please check the science fiction section.”


    Someone bets, say, $35. Some other guy, a player at the back of him will say, "I was going to call $34, but $35 is just too much."


    What does “a safe game at low limits” mean?


    The wife of a doctor called the poker room to get her husband paged. They refused. The house doesn't make doctor calls.


    May the flop be with you.

    Doyle Brunson


    In the poker game of life, women are the rake

    - Worm (Ed Norton) in Rounders


    Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.

    - V.P. Pappy


    Last night I got thrown out of a casino… apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table.


    If I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all.

    - Unknow Author


    I can't even catch a cold.


    I need a hand that doesn't look like a foot.


    Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

    - Steven Wright


    A faint heart never filled a spade flush.

    - Anonymous


    You played that hand like a vegan.

    - Erick Lindgren to Daniel Negreanu


    Dear Lord, help me to break even. I need the money.



    A king can do no wrong … unless it runs into an ace.

    - Anonymous


    A Smith & Wesson beats four Aces.

    - Anonymous


    Forgive your enemies but remember the bastard's name!

    - Doyle Brunson


    The poker pool could use a little chlorine.

    - Doyle Brunson


    In the long run there's no luck in poker, but the short run is longer than most people know.

    - Rick Bennet


    Trust everyone, but always cut the cards.

    - Benny Binion


    Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.

    - George Carlin


    It's unlucky to be superstitious.

    ♣ Dave Enteles, Card Player


    Forget about a chip and a chair; give me a hand and I’ll stand.

    - Warren Karp


    All I know is, if the cards ever break even — I’m screwed.

    - Rich Korbin


    If the shoe fits, steal it.

    - Lou Krieger


    To be a poker champion, you must have a strong bladder.

    - Jack McClelland


    There is more to poker than life.

    - Tom McEvoy


    It's not whether you won or lost, but how many bad-beat stories you were able to tell.

    - Grantland Rice, Sportswriter


    They say poker is a zero-sum game. It must be, because every time I play my sum ends up zero.

    - Max Shapiro


    It never hurts for potential opponents to think you’re more than a little stupid and can hardly count all the money in your hip pocket, much less hold on to it.

    - Amarillo Slim


    Old card players never die, they just shuffle away.

    - Author Unknown


    Put yourself in their shoes before you decide on the best way to take their shirts.

    - David Sklansky


    The only thing more profitable at a poker table than a drunk man's ego is a winning lottery ticket.

    - Tawnia "TDTAT"


    Omaha is a game that was invented by a Sadist and is played by Masochists.

    - Shane Smith


    Poker... I hardly even know her!

    - Jack Styles


    I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand.

    - Jonathan Swift (1728)


    Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.

    - R.E. Shay


    After a donkey goes busted: "He's in donkey heaven now."


    About a really bad player: "Even a donkey would think he's a donkey."


    That isn't a hand, it's a height.


    Directed at a tournament player constantly using their timebank...

    "Come on ... I've seen continents drift faster than you play"


    Let me put on my blindfold and we'll play pin the tail on the donkey.


    I've folded more hands than an undertaker.


    I've seen more rags than a janitor.


    I don't have a straw long enough to suck out on you.


    How do you get 80 nice old ladies to curse at the same time? Yell "Bingo".


    A man joins Gamblers Anonymous. He’s given three-to-one odds he won’t make it.


    Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren’t many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person’s self-delusional ability and actual ability than in poker.



    What do you call a Poker Player with half a brain? Gifted


    What is poker hell like? A limit game at 9:00 AM.


    Q: What does a poker player eat for dinner?

    A: Whatever his comp card allows him to.


    What does a poker player eat for dinner? Fish and Chips


    What is a poker player's favorite food? Fish and Chips


    I'm in Vegas last week and a guy is standing in front of the Shoe and he appears to be pan handling. I wander by and he say's to me "Sir, my wife has died, but I need money to bury her. Can you help me out?" I get a bit huffy and say back to him "Why should I give you money. You're just going to take it and go gambling!" He looks at me and says " You got it all wrong, I've got gambling money!"


    What's a poker dealer's favorite song? "Everyday I'm shuffling".


    You can only play pocket jacks 3 ways, all of which are wrong.


    LIFE IS LIKE POKER - If you don't have a big enough stack... No one really notices when you are all in


    I bet you I could stop gambling.


    Poker jokes are like butt cracks- everyone has one and they all stink.


  • more funnies!




  • This guys got some funny stuff



    So many of them so true :D i don't know how pro says what we should keep emotion off at he poker table :D not me..

  • :-X  LOL


  • Now imagine stewie and bryan telling this joke :D or the 2 ronnies lmao! :D

  • Now imagine stewie and bryan telling this joke :D or the 2 ronnies lmao! :D


    LMAO I can imagine both of them LOL

  • I seen these pictures thought you might get a laugh out of them..... sorry did not know where to post.. hope it was ok here.




  • These are great Shirlsplay.  Thanks.

  • Q: How can you tell if a poker player is bluffing?

    A: His chips are moving.


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